Lyra: Haha. You know, out of context, a lot of these aren’t even obviously gay.

Bon-Bon: Well I said I didn’t know. Are you sure you want to do this?

Lyra: Sure! You brought me here. They can listen to me caterwaul for a while. Now clear the way. I need space to move for this.

Bon-Bon: Okay! Good luck! And have fun!

Lyra: … At first I was afraid. I was petrified!

[Applause]

Lyra: Okay. So I think I figured out it.

Bon-Bon: Figured what out?

Lyra: Why I’d never been here. Never heard of it. It’s a gay bar.

Bon-Bon: It is not.

Lyra: We caught the tail end of I Kissed a Girl and just sat through I’m Coming Out.

Bon-Bon: That’s just a coincidence.

Lyra: Oh really? Not up on human songs, are you? Never heard this one then?

Bon-Bon: No.

Lyra: Two seconds for the lyrics to kick in… Still going to deny it?
Bon-Bon: Oh Celestia… I’ve been coming here for like two years…

Lyra: Now you’re going to pretend like you didn’t know?

Bon-Bon: Honestly I didn’t! I’m not trying to embarrass you! I want you to have a good time! I wouldn’t have brought you here if I knew!

Lyra: Oh I don’t care. At least there’s not a lot of ponies here.

Lyra: And here I thought I’d been to every bar, diner, and restaurant in Ponyville. Door leading straight into a basement? This place is a real hole-in-the-wall. Also possibly in violation of some zoning regulations, being in a residential area.

Bon-Bon: Everything’s fine. Stop being nervous. You babble when you’re nervous.

Lyra: I… I’m not nervous… So, we just…?

Bon-Bon: Yup. Just sit at a table. Somepony will come over in a minute.

[Applause]

Lyra: So, the stage. Local talent?

Bon-Bon: It’s a karaoke bar, so something like that.

Lyra: Oh. Huh. I didn’t think Ponyville had one of these. And there’s quite a few couples here. Guess I’m just out of the loop.

Bon-Bon: Guess so.

Waitress: Hello there! How’s the evening treating you? What can I get you started with?

Bon-Bon: Get up. Here. Put this on. We’re going out.

Lyra: Is this my black dress?

Bon-Bon: Yes. Dry cleaned and pressed. You should really take better care of your things. It was wadded up in the corner.

Lyra: Why am I putting this on? And where are we going?

Bon-Bon: When you started staying here over five years ago, we had an agreement. I didn’t hold you down. I didn’t twist your hoof.

Lyra: Bon-Bon, I-
Bon-Bon: I didn’t even count that agent pony because you only went out with him once. Now it’s been at least a year since you broke up with Krastos. I didn’t press the matter. I didn’t harass you over it. I gave you all the time in the world to cope. But you’ve had time enough and a promise is a promise.

Lyra: I’m really not-
Bon-Bon: “If things don’t work out in my next relationship, I’ll go on a date with you.” I’m paraphrasing, but something like that.

Lyra: I-I mean, I work tomorrow.

Bon-Bon: You work night tomorrow. You’ll be fine. Now no more excuses. Get up. We leave in five. You can walk beside me or I can drag you by your tail.

Lyra: I… Ugh… Alright just, make it somewhere there’s not a lot of ponies! Like I don’t get enough rumors…

Lyra: Ribbon? What are you doing in Ponyville in the middle of the week?

Ribbon: Can a mother not be there for her daughter on the first week of a new school year?

Lyra: N-no? I mean, are you here to buy your ticket home now?

Ribbon: Of course! A smart mare purchases her ticket early to avoid the rush.

Lyra: But… this is rush hour…
Ribbon: So it is! But, about that conversation we had earlier. You recall, yes?

Lyra: Is this really the best time? I’m kinda working-
Ribbon: You’re with a customer, so you still are. Now I believe I made a very generous offer…
Lyra: You did.
Ribbon: And…?

Lyra: I appreciate the consideration, but-
Ribbon: Ugh! Why am I not surprised?

Lyra: Look, I know why you’re doing this and I’m not against it.
Ribbon: And how do you-…!? Wait… what?

Lyra: I don’t like Bon-Bon sitting around waiting for me to suddenly fall in love with her! She’s wasting her life away! There’s a hundred thousand ponies out there that could make her happy and she needs to get over me!

Ribbon: I… Well, yes that-
Lyra: But bringing her suitors isn’t going to work. She’s an entrepreneur, a self-starter, an independent workhorse. It has to be her that finds somepony.

Ribbon: Hmm… Yes that does sound like Bonnie. A change to the encounter then? Stage a meeting perhaps?

Lyra: I’m not helping you play matchmaker. I’m just letting you know I’m not standing in your way.

Ribbon: Fair enough. And this should be fare enough for a ticket. And a good day to you.

[Pause]

Lyra: She’ll be happier when she gets past me. I just… want her to be happy…

Lyra: Say, Bon-Bon? Have you ever thought about moving?

Bon-Bon: What?

Lyra: You know, moving away from Ponyville.

Bon-Bon: Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Lyra: Oh no. I was just wondering.

Bon-Bon: Lyra, Ponyville is where my business is. I can’t just drag it around behind me. If I moved to another small town I’d have to start all over again. And if I moved to a big city I’d be driven out of business by competition. I know because that’s exactly what I would do.

Lyra: What about, like, franchising and chains?

Bon-Bon: I suppose that’s possible somewhere down the road. And sure, I’d have to at least move temporarily to help get it started. But I’d have to have a lot of money stored up. And that’s just not happening anytime soon. If ever. Why do you ask? I thought you loved Ponyville.

Lyra: Oh I do! I was just curious, you know, about the future.

Bon-Bon: That’s a lo~ng ways away. I’m focused more on the foreseeable future right now.

Lyra: Oh, okay.

Ribbon: Hello, Lyra.

Lyra: Ribbon! Uh, hey! Bon-Bon’s not here right now-
Ribbon: I know.

Lyra: Liza is out playing, if you need me to-
Ribbon: Oh, no. I came here to talk to you.

Lyra: Oh. Uh…. Okay.

Ribbon: You see, I’ve begun to feel like Tootsie and I don’t spend enough time together.

Lyra: Well, yeah.

Ribbon: Yeah? Like-you-have-no-manners-what-so-… Anyway. I do a fair deal of typing, record keeping, scheduling- you know, things of that nature-
Lyra: Uh huh.
Ribbon: And I thought to myself, “I spend so much time on these details when really, I could hire somepony to do this for me-!“
Lyra: Okay.
Ribbon: And why would I hire just any old pony when I could hire somepony I know? Somepony who I trust with my very child?

Lyra: I don’t think Bon-Bon is going to-
Ribbon: How well do you type? You run your little blog thing, surely you have considerable experience.

Lyra: Well I-
Ribbon: So you type well? Fabulous! How would you like to work for me?

Lyra: I don’t-
Ribbon: I can assure you compensation that far exceeds your current position. And, if you want, I could even begin to teach you some law. Expand your skill set? In time, maybe take over client interviews. Perhaps sit in on a few cases. Maybe even become an attorney yourself.

Lyra: That’s-
Ribbon: And the money! Not just for yourself either. I bet there’s more than a few causes you could help support with bits to spare! Think about that. The opportunity to help others. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Lyra: Well, yes-
Ribbon: Splendid! You can pack your things and we’ll find you a nice place in Manehattan to stay.

Lyra: Wait. Leave Ponyville?

Ribbon: Well, of course. I can’t very well have a secretary working way out here. Oh, but you grew up in Canterlot, yes? Manehattan is so much more interesting! The shows, the shopping, the scenery! And so much more secure. How often does this little backwater village get attacked, set on fire, or turned inside-out?

Lyra: I’d… I’d have to-

Ribbon: Think about it? Oh of course! I wouldn’t expect you to just up and leave. No, of course not. But do give it some real consideration, would you? This is no small offer, after a~ll!

Lyra: Yeah… Sure…

Ribbon: Yes, but surely you could have done it, right?

Bon-Bon: The only thing I could have done was told them from the start how unfeasible it was. A chocolate fountain fixture built into the cake is one thing, but a working chocolate waterfall? On a seven layered cake? That might not be impossible, but the cost and time associated with planning, testing and putting something like that together would cost more than anypony having a wedding in Ponyville could afford. Especially under the short notice they had.

Ribbon: Haha! Of course! That was quite a short time to plan a wedding in!

Lyra: Rarity tends to plan a little big, but she’s also not one to shy away from a challenge.

Ribbon: And it all did work out in the end. At least, that’s what the article said.

Lyra: I don’t know first hoof, but Applejack said the ceremonies went without a hitch. And you’d be hard-pressed to challenge Applejack’s word.

Ribbon: Nice to know magazines can still tell the truth sometimes. And it’s so nice of you to join us for once, Lyra.

Lyra: Yeah, I’m usually working on Fridays and the weekend.

Ribbon: Are you? I was under the impression government employees didn’t work on holidays or weekends.

Lyra: I’m actually subcontracted. I work for-

Ribbon: Subcontracted? You poor dear. I’m so sorry. How dreadful.

Bon-Bon: Ribbon…

Ribbon: Oh, it’s not her fault. It’s a terrible system designed to cut corners and underpay employees. You don’t even get any benefits, do you?

Lyra: Well, there’s been some talk about it under the new group that bought the contract, but I don’t know when it’s supposed to start. Right now we’re under probation-

Ribbon: Under probation! You’ve been working there for a year, haven’t you? See? Down right criminal treatment. Ought to be illegal. But, if it’s a government operation, who’s going to call them out on it? It’s tragic, really.

Lyra: Y-yeah…

“Lyra, please talk to me. This isn’t like you.“
Despite the princess’s plea, Lyra’s eyes remained fixed on the floor.
“Are you afraid? I promise, we can protect you. You can stay here!“
When Princess Celestia lifted her hoof to raise Lyra’s head, Lyra jerked away.
“Are they holding something over you? Are you protecting somepony? Please talk to me, Lyra.“
___

“Lyra, please. Silence is not the answer. Aren’t pony’s lives at stake? This can’t get any better if you don’t say something.“
___

“Lyra, I know you’ve been angry with me. But if you can just put that aside…“
___

“Lyra, please say something! Anything!“
___

“Lyra! Lyra!“
___

Lyra could feel the princess’s tears on her shoulder and she clutched at her bedsheet. Though her mouth moved, she couldn’t speak a reply to the nightmares. In the morning, she would find the tears had been her own.

“Lyra, I know you’re being forced into this.” Princess Celestia walked toward Lyra and placed a wing around her, “Tell me who. Tell me how they’re getting to you. Are there others? I promise we will find a way to put a stop to this once and for-.“
Lyra took a step back and pushed the alicorn’s wing away, “Just send me away again. Like you did last time.“
“W-what?“ Princess Celestia, stunned, looked between the guards, searching for an answer, “Lyra, that was over a year ago. Sunset Shimmer… I had apologized for-… I’m sorry, Lyra. Please forgive me. But you must-“
Lyra shook her head, “I have nothing to say…“ She never even looked up.

“Lyra, what have you done?“ There was a hint of anger in the princess’s tone as she spoke, back turned.
“What difference does it make?” Lyra pushed herself up and wiped some dirt off her coat, “All those selfish ponies do is waste it anyway. You know that money could actually mean something to-“
In a flash, Lyra’s gaze was met with bright, glowing eyes and a thunderous shout, “TO WHOM DO YOU SPEAK?!“ Lyra crumpled to the floor in a low bow and shivered. But before she could reply, Princess Celestia turned her back to the filly, “Take her. I haven’t the time or the patience.“
Lyra jumped to her feet as fast as she could, but was already held by two soldiers, “No! Please your highness!” She struggled against their grip, but was slowly dragged away. “I’m sorry! Please! Just let me explain! Please!“

“Lyra…“ Princess Celestia stood at a distance in profile from Lyra. Her eyes were closed and her head was lowered. Her shoulders sagged in disappointment, “There were many witnesses… They… they said you stole food. Why? Have you not been provided with enough to eat?“
Lyra stood up and fought back tears, “There were others your highness! Living on the streets! I was trying to help them! But I only took a little! Nopony would miss it!“
The princess grit her teeth, “We are responsible for our own actions.“ Lyra’s head fell and she too closed her eyes. “If there are ponies going hungry, then we will do what we can. But the law is the law. You must not…“

“A-gh! Let go of me! Let gooo!“

Lyra flailed against the armored ponies dragging her down the massive hallway, but to no avail. If she had the strength to fight back before, it had long since waned. Two doors, easily ten times Lyra’s size, parted before them and the light inside blinded her. She felt herself finally released onto the carpet beneath her. And as her vision returned, a towering figure came into view.

“Lyra? Are you alright?“ The pearl-white princess of the sun knelt down to level herself with Lyra. “Please tell me what happened. I know that what I heard cannot be true.“
Lyra’s forced herself to her haunches and her eyes darted around the throne room. She struggled against exhaustion to explain herself, “It… it wasn’t me! I saw him steal it! I tried to stop him!“
“You tried?“ Princess Celestia drew back to give the filly space.
Lyra’s eyes widen, “I-I did! I did stop him! I got the pouch back! I was going to return it! But then they started yelling at me! I got scared and I ran! They were yelling at me!“
The alicorn princess wrapped her long arm around Lyra and drew her in close, “Shh… It’s alright, child. If you can tell us what he looked like…“

Shut up.

Just…

shut up…

[Long pause]

Lyra: Why don’t you just say it?

B: Because I don’t have to. I already know the answer. You’re the one still struggling with the question.

Lyra: But I’m not!

B: And I’m not a trained psychologist. Which is something you happen to see on a regular basis. Maybe you should talk about this with her.

Lyra: I don’t want to talk about this at all!

B: Then why did you bring it up? I certainly don’t care. I’m concerned with your life, not your denial.

Lyra: I’m not-!

B: Stop. Instead of refuting every single thing you hear that you disagree with, why don’t you try turning it around into something that might have some real impact? Not “Am I jealous?” But “Why am I jealous?“ What is it about Twilight that makes her worth comparing yourself to? There are a hundred or more mares that have had an easier life than you that are better off to boot. Why Twilight? Has it always been Twilight?

Lyra: I… I don’t know…

B: And I’m not a trained psychologist.