1) Wow. Well I’m glad you’re okay now! Don’t suppose you know how this happened or how to prevent it from happening again, do you? It’s okay if you can’t tell me.

2) Eh. I mean, I’ve heard it’s hilarious, ingenious, thought provoking, challenging, and with a morality system that makes your actions feel like they truly have weight. Basically brilliant on every developmental level.

But I have absolutely no interest in it. Whenever a game has pass/fail objectives that alter the ending, possibly without you even knowing it, I feel overwhelmed. Like I have to study what to do, where, and when, before even starting, or else I’ll mess something up.

3) Lyra: What do you think, Bon-Bon? Should I?

Bon-Bon: What’s uhpdha- NO!
Lyra: Nuttin’ much, Bon-Bon~
Bon-Bon: Don’t you dare!
Lyra: Wassup witchu~?!

4) Thanks! Actually, the original was just stick figures. I redid it even better!

Bon-Bon: You’re awful quiet since we left.

Lyra: I… don’t really know what to say.

Bon-Bon: Did you at least enjoy yourself?

Lyra: Of course! Yes! Absolutely! I’m just… you sang so well.

Bon-Bon: I should hope so. I’d been practicing that song for the last two months. Surprised I didn’t spoil things by humming it around the house or something.

Lyra: No, I was… completely…

Bon-Bon: I know… you don’t feel the same way about me that I do for you. You probably never will. But I want you to at least know how much you mean to me. How much having you here means to me. And one day when you leave-
Lyra: Bon-Bon I’m not-
Bon-Bon: I’m not naive, Lyra. I know you’re not going to stay here forever. Ponyville is like a vacation to you. A hideaway. It’s a nice place to get away from it all. You get to ignore things a bit. But one day you’re going to get restless and… you’re going to go back. Back to Canterlot or back to the bustle of some other city-I don’t know which. When that happens, I want you to know that I’ll still be here. No matter how long you’re gone. No matter what happens.

Lyra: I… don’t…

Bon-Bon: There’s nothing for you to say. I just want you to be happy.

Lyra: I just want you to be happy.

Bon-Bon: Then maybe one day we’ll both be happy.

Lyra: Haha. You know, out of context, a lot of these aren’t even obviously gay.

Bon-Bon: Well I said I didn’t know. Are you sure you want to do this?

Lyra: Sure! You brought me here. They can listen to me caterwaul for a while. Now clear the way. I need space to move for this.

Bon-Bon: Okay! Good luck! And have fun!

Lyra: … At first I was afraid. I was petrified!

[Applause]

Lyra: Okay. So I think I figured out it.

Bon-Bon: Figured what out?

Lyra: Why I’d never been here. Never heard of it. It’s a gay bar.

Bon-Bon: It is not.

Lyra: We caught the tail end of I Kissed a Girl and just sat through I’m Coming Out.

Bon-Bon: That’s just a coincidence.

Lyra: Oh really? Not up on human songs, are you? Never heard this one then?

Bon-Bon: No.

Lyra: Two seconds for the lyrics to kick in… Still going to deny it?
Bon-Bon: Oh Celestia… I’ve been coming here for like two years…

Lyra: Now you’re going to pretend like you didn’t know?

Bon-Bon: Honestly I didn’t! I’m not trying to embarrass you! I want you to have a good time! I wouldn’t have brought you here if I knew!

Lyra: Oh I don’t care. At least there’s not a lot of ponies here.

Lyra: And here I thought I’d been to every bar, diner, and restaurant in Ponyville. Door leading straight into a basement? This place is a real hole-in-the-wall. Also possibly in violation of some zoning regulations, being in a residential area.

Bon-Bon: Everything’s fine. Stop being nervous. You babble when you’re nervous.

Lyra: I… I’m not nervous… So, we just…?

Bon-Bon: Yup. Just sit at a table. Somepony will come over in a minute.

[Applause]

Lyra: So, the stage. Local talent?

Bon-Bon: It’s a karaoke bar, so something like that.

Lyra: Oh. Huh. I didn’t think Ponyville had one of these. And there’s quite a few couples here. Guess I’m just out of the loop.

Bon-Bon: Guess so.

Waitress: Hello there! How’s the evening treating you? What can I get you started with?

Bon-Bon: Get up. Here. Put this on. We’re going out.

Lyra: Is this my black dress?

Bon-Bon: Yes. Dry cleaned and pressed. You should really take better care of your things. It was wadded up in the corner.

Lyra: Why am I putting this on? And where are we going?

Bon-Bon: When you started staying here over five years ago, we had an agreement. I didn’t hold you down. I didn’t twist your hoof.

Lyra: Bon-Bon, I-
Bon-Bon: I didn’t even count that agent pony because you only went out with him once. Now it’s been at least a year since you broke up with Krastos. I didn’t press the matter. I didn’t harass you over it. I gave you all the time in the world to cope. But you’ve had time enough and a promise is a promise.

Lyra: I’m really not-
Bon-Bon: “If things don’t work out in my next relationship, I’ll go on a date with you.” I’m paraphrasing, but something like that.

Lyra: I-I mean, I work tomorrow.

Bon-Bon: You work night tomorrow. You’ll be fine. Now no more excuses. Get up. We leave in five. You can walk beside me or I can drag you by your tail.

Lyra: I… Ugh… Alright just, make it somewhere there’s not a lot of ponies! Like I don’t get enough rumors…

Lyra: Say, Bon-Bon? Have you ever thought about moving?

Bon-Bon: What?

Lyra: You know, moving away from Ponyville.

Bon-Bon: Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Lyra: Oh no. I was just wondering.

Bon-Bon: Lyra, Ponyville is where my business is. I can’t just drag it around behind me. If I moved to another small town I’d have to start all over again. And if I moved to a big city I’d be driven out of business by competition. I know because that’s exactly what I would do.

Lyra: What about, like, franchising and chains?

Bon-Bon: I suppose that’s possible somewhere down the road. And sure, I’d have to at least move temporarily to help get it started. But I’d have to have a lot of money stored up. And that’s just not happening anytime soon. If ever. Why do you ask? I thought you loved Ponyville.

Lyra: Oh I do! I was just curious, you know, about the future.

Bon-Bon: That’s a lo~ng ways away. I’m focused more on the foreseeable future right now.

Lyra: Oh, okay.

Ribbon: Yes, but surely you could have done it, right?

Bon-Bon: The only thing I could have done was told them from the start how unfeasible it was. A chocolate fountain fixture built into the cake is one thing, but a working chocolate waterfall? On a seven layered cake? That might not be impossible, but the cost and time associated with planning, testing and putting something like that together would cost more than anypony having a wedding in Ponyville could afford. Especially under the short notice they had.

Ribbon: Haha! Of course! That was quite a short time to plan a wedding in!

Lyra: Rarity tends to plan a little big, but she’s also not one to shy away from a challenge.

Ribbon: And it all did work out in the end. At least, that’s what the article said.

Lyra: I don’t know first hoof, but Applejack said the ceremonies went without a hitch. And you’d be hard-pressed to challenge Applejack’s word.

Ribbon: Nice to know magazines can still tell the truth sometimes. And it’s so nice of you to join us for once, Lyra.

Lyra: Yeah, I’m usually working on Fridays and the weekend.

Ribbon: Are you? I was under the impression government employees didn’t work on holidays or weekends.

Lyra: I’m actually subcontracted. I work for-

Ribbon: Subcontracted? You poor dear. I’m so sorry. How dreadful.

Bon-Bon: Ribbon…

Ribbon: Oh, it’s not her fault. It’s a terrible system designed to cut corners and underpay employees. You don’t even get any benefits, do you?

Lyra: Well, there’s been some talk about it under the new group that bought the contract, but I don’t know when it’s supposed to start. Right now we’re under probation-

Ribbon: Under probation! You’ve been working there for a year, haven’t you? See? Down right criminal treatment. Ought to be illegal. But, if it’s a government operation, who’s going to call them out on it? It’s tragic, really.

Lyra: Y-yeah…

1) B: I don’t watch television.

2) Got something in mind, do you? I’m sure you know the rules by now.

3) Bon-Bon: Well, I offered to chaperone because Liza expressed interest. But she wound up not going. I was still obligated. It was fun though!

Lyra: Come o~n. You said you’d do it. You gotta start it!

B: [Audible sigh] … We.

Lyra: Are the Crys-tal!
Bon-Bon: Are the Crystal!

Tootsie: Gems!

B: We’ll always save the day.
Lyra: We’ll al-ways save the day!
Bon-Bon: We’ll always save the da~y!

Tootsie: And if you think we can’t! We’ll-!

B: Always find a way.
Lyra: Al-ways find a way!
Bon-Bon: Always find a wa~y!
Tootsie: Always find a way!

B: That’s why the people-

B: Of. This. World.
Lyra: O~f thi~s wo~rld!
Bon-Bon: O~f this wo~rld!

B: Believe in. Garnet.

Lyra: Am-y-thyst!

Bon-Bon: And Pear~l!

Tootsie: And Steven!

1) ‘Bout what?

2) Most of those failures. They can just screw up. And really, those things aren’t complicated. Don’t they print directions on them anyway?

Now, neglecting to teach about things like emergency contraception is a failure in sexual education. The notion that, even if there is a failure in a product you can still avoid childbirth, is about the most important fact you can teach. In an ordinary, healthy relationship, pregnancy should always be a choice.

Of course, we’re just beating around the bush here. The obvious direction this is going in is “This is scare tactics, yeah?“ And yeah, it’s scare tactics. Arm you with just enough information to fear something until you’re older at which point you’ve probably figured it out on your own. Are ponies any better at that? Maybe. But they still neglect to cover emergency contraception.

3) Nope. Everypony poops.

4) Bon-Bon: It was everything I thought it would be! It was like we were one!

Lyra: It was nice to not be alone in a dream. For somepony to watch my back.

5) Since that’s a class 1 felony, no. Also [omitted] ew. Celes.

Lyra: Anti-Skub, of course. Skub is dangerous.

Bon-Bon: Dangerous? Skub is too valuable to ignore.

Lyra: What? I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’re Pro-Skub?

Bon-Bon: It’s only logical. Skub leads to increased productivity.

Lyra: But at what cost? Skub is damaging to both our economy and environment!

Bon-Bon: It’s industry. It’s necessity. It’s the only real option. Nothing else comes close.

Lyra: And what about the side effects? It’s going to destroy the very fabric of our society!

Bon-Bon: If it does, then a new society will be built in its place. One that understands the true value of Skub.

Tootsie: I’m confused. What’s Skub?

Lyra: Filth scrapped from the bowels of Tartarus!

Bon-Bon: The future, sweetheart. The future of Ponykind.

Lyra: Don’t feed her such vile lies!

Bon-Bon: She needs to learn the truth now! Skub is everything!

Lyra: Everything wrong with the world!

Tootsie: This is an internet joke, isn’t it?

Bon-Bon: In a couple of years ponies will wonder how they ever lived without Skub!

Tootsie: You’re both weird…

Lyra: There won’t be anypony left in a couple of years if Skub isn’t stopped!

1) Oh heavens no! That wasn’t even her fault! And I’m way past the point of caring about those fillies. They’d probably be embarrassed about it if I ever ran into them and brought it up.

2) More complicated than anything else, I guess.

3) Sure! I mean, I don’t remember much of it. But I remember that spoon thing from the sound episode!

4) And to you! Although I’m not sure which Independence Day you mean.

5) Lyra: That already short list has become a lot shorter over the last year.

Tootsie: I get to hang out with my friends! And go swimming! And we play tag-!

Bon-Bon: And how is your summer reading going?

Tootsie: A~w…

Tootsie: [Audible Yawn]

Bon-Bon: When you said you were planning a picnic, this isn’t what I had in mind.

Lyra: Hey! You were the one that said you didn’t like me going out late by myself. Now I’m not alone!

Bon-Bon: Tootsie, let’s go home.

Tootsie: No. I… [Audiable Yawn] I wanna catch the badguy too.

Lyra: You hear that? So heroic and brave! And not covert and secret-keeping…

Bon-Bon: Okay fine! I’m the crazy pony here!

Lyra: As long as you know!

Bon-Bon: This is so stupid… If somepony’s breaking into the castle, they aren’t going to be so easy to find. Are you expecting them to just walk out the front-… Lyra. Lyra! Up! Up! The window!

Lyra: Holy crap! That’s not Twilight!

Tootsie: Oh my gosh! That’s them!

Lyra: Shh! Quiet! Twilight doesn’t want them to know we know anything!

Bon-Bon: So what do we do?

Lyra: I’m… I’m trying to make out who it is.

Bon-Bon: They’re already flying away.

Lyra: Shoot! But we know it’s a pegasus. Which gives me a pretty good idea of who it might be…