1) No thank you.

2) I live in what would be the equivalent of the mid-west to you.

3) There isn’t enough room, and he would need a devoted space to work on his-…

…

Boscov, what if it was like going to work? What if you came to our house every night and then to your place to work during the day? Initially I thought there would be a money issue with living in two houses, but really it wouldn’t be any different than it is now.

I mean, it would be a tight fit since we’d have to share a room. Probably have to get a bigger bed, but… Just putting it out there. I can’t imagine Bon-Bon minding any.

4) Okay.

5) B is an [omitted]-hole and can go [omitted] himself.

This is not new information. If you added up all the time I should have served in correctional facilities…

…

I remember the second time I was arrested, Princess Celestia herself came to release me. The first time she thought it was a mistake, but this time… The look she gave me… I tried to explain, but all she said was, “We are responsible for our own actions.”

… Maybe that’s true, but I didn’t see any way out at the time. I did everything in my power to not get caught after that. Anything to not see that look from her again… It’s one thing for everyday ponies to be disappointed in you, but for the princess to be? That’s enough to make you wanna crawl into a corner and never get up.

1) I know B, D, and I knew J before she retired. I’ve met or seen a few others but only briefly.

And no, it doesn’t. Good song, though.

2) No comment.

3) My life is fine. Aren’t you stuck in the dark world?

4) Muscles? General shape of his body? He does take really good care of his fur, though…

5) Too many calories; not enough activity.

Also bite me.

6) I think you missed your mark. Of course, she might not answer for a while.

7) Hey! Guess which meme stopped being funny after the first time?!

…

8) [Audible sigh]

That message was from a few months ago. It made me feel… good. Significant. I-… I have no idea why I’m trying to explain this to an anon that was laughing at me.

9 & 10) Thanks, Strawberry. Unless that second one isn’t you. But I’m pretty sure it is.

1) It was fun, but it was very tiring. That’s why I didn’t log on last night after I got back. Going to try and rest up today to be ready for the rest of the week subbing. Last chance I’ll get with this position until next school year.

2) It was very fun and eventful. Sorry about that picnic basket thing.

All I’d like to do right now is sit back and relax. I’ll be getting plenty more physical activity this week in the classroom.

3) I like the PiB reference, but you were sort of going in the wrong direction. Think more like dragons. Things that could cause a lot of damage if they had nothing to deter them.

4) We’d met once or twice I think. He was Applejack’s fiancee. Might still be. I’m not sure.

5) One of the only things he did do right…

Oh, and I went back and added somethings to a few of his posts. And removed something…

By having a smile. Also by having good posture, sitting in the front row, doing volunteer work, getting exercise, and practicing extensive hygiene.

B: See? I like this guy.

Lyra Edit: Real cute, B.

First you post a private message between me and my special somebear, then you deliberately ignored what I said and-!

Celestia [omitted]! How am I supposed to raise my self-esteem when ponies like you keep crushing it?!

1) B: We were never involved in any official capacity, no. We knew better than to try. Too different.

2) B: Oh, I’m sure.

3) B: My apologies; I thought we were having a conversation. I wasn’t aware you were just raving like a mad mare.

Kinky.

1) B: There isn’t even a B in my real name.

2) B: If you’re asking why I don’t like you, it’s because you have too much power for somepony that wields it so carefree.

3) B: Actually, yes.

B: And, Lyra, I would like to take this time to note that I am not saying we’ve ever had sex, as per your request.

1) B: She and I have come to a number of understandings over the years. Mostly I’d just rather her not be dead. I don’t have very many friends anymore. This job takes up most of my time and all of my identity.

B: Any outside friends or family I used to have think I died two years ago.

2) B: Stupidity like that is how I’ve become so jaded.

3) B: I have a difficult time grasping how you came to that conclusion.

4) B: What do you mean, the shapeshifter?

5) B: Must be some kind of computer code. I’m not that great with computers.

1) B: No.

2) B: I used to be a guard, yes. And B is code, right again. It doesn’t stand for anything, though. I am B because I replaced the last pony that was B, just as they replaced the last pony that was B. Every year a small portion retires and a few more are brought on.

3) B: And yet you receive it anyway. Police forces are the only reason gangs don’t go house-to-house busting down doors, taking whatever they want, and killing anypony inside they can’t use, whether they resist or not.

B: And if that’s bad news for you, if you’re a criminal yourself, the guard still protects you. We’re the only thing stopping some would-be vigilante from going out and planting one between your eyes for lifting their air conditioner.

4) B: She’ll get over it. I screw with her as a friend and she knows it.

B: We are employed by Princess Celestia. We work for Equestria.

B: Observe, communicate, report, and then take action if necessary.

B: And since that answer is short and boring, here’s a message Lyra had left in her inbox for some reason.

Lyra Edit: Nothing here.

1) B: Sure, sure. That parking ticket gets you real upset, until you’re the one that needs help.

2) B: You’ve misunderstood. Regular ponies that carry evil tendencies aren’t our concern. It’s the guard’s duty to maintain order and protect the princesses. Our job description is a little more narrow, but that focus is how we handle the larger threats.

B: But to directly address your question, Tartarus is a prison. Anything outside of Tartarus is a larger threat to worry about.

1) B: You step into Tartarus more than a few times and you start to see what evil looks like. You can see it in their eyes- in the way they move. And then you start to see it everywhere. Evil is a state of mind, and it’s a little too common, even now.

B: But generally we leave the darkness in the hearts of ponies to the guard. We have larger threats to worry about.

Lyra Edit: The nonsensical musings of a bitter, old stallion who thinks himself above the rest.

2) B: Human moves around like a robot.

B: Just sounds like a lot of noise to me, more so than most of the noise ponies call music. I’ll let Lyra see it when she gets back. I’m sure she’ll probably have some young, hip view point to impart.

Lyra Edit: Certainly not something I’d just sit and listen to, but I can see the appeal, yes.

B: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Edit: Now with source!

1) B: I believe the whole point of Lyra leaving somepony else in charge of her blog was to allow her and the bear to have some time together. Wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense if he was the one answering for her, now would it?

B: You may refer to me as B. Or Bee of you feel like unnecessarily spelling something out for no reason.

2) B: Oh, that was a special occasion. We met in a dimly-lit, classy little alleyway where I dragged her, at the time, skinny little [omitted] out of an open window and arrested her for breaking-and-entering and attempted theft. She didn’t put up much of a struggle; I think I may have hurt her pride a little more than her tailbone from that landing. Oh, and imagine my surprise when I discovered she was a repeat offender.

Lyra Edit: I still remember your sweet, sweet eyes that evening. I wanted to tear them out of your skull.