Ask Lyra

1) B: I don’t watch television.

2) Got something in mind, do you? I’m sure you know the rules by now.

3) Bon-Bon: Well, I offered to chaperone because Liza expressed interest. But she wound up not going. I was still obligated. It was fun though!

Lyra: Come o~n. You said you’d do it. You gotta start it!

B: [Audible sigh] … We.

Lyra: Are the Crys-tal!
Bon-Bon: Are the Crystal!

Tootsie: Gems!

B: We’ll always save the day.
Lyra: We’ll al-ways save the day!
Bon-Bon: We’ll always save the da~y!

Tootsie: And if you think we can’t! We’ll-!

B: Always find a way.
Lyra: Al-ways find a way!
Bon-Bon: Always find a wa~y!
Tootsie: Always find a way!

B: That’s why the people-

B: Of. This. World.
Lyra: O~f thi~s wo~rld!
Bon-Bon: O~f this wo~rld!

B: Believe in. Garnet.

Lyra: Am-y-thyst!

Bon-Bon: And Pear~l!

Tootsie: And Steven!

1) And it’s nice that you’re waiting your turn. Very polite.

2) No? I mean no, right? I mean, I can’t imagine.

3) Not unless Princess Luna intervened every night. I couldn’t ask for that.

4 & 5) Two out of four, actually. Which would be a failing grade. I was late last year too. I’m just so busy right now. I have nothing prepared.

I could still do the tell thing, if anypony wants to ask something.

6) Okay, real talk though? I don’t even like Shrek. The messages it presented may have been innovative at the time for a movie theater animation. But for comics, video games, even regular cartoons, not so much. Memes like “get shrekt” and “it’s ogre” are, to me, less ironic and more mockery. The only reason why they’re even notable is because the franchise has penetrated so deep into modern culture that they’re immediately recognizable.

On the other hoof, I’ve never seen Despicable Me or any related media outside of “He’s so fluffy! I’m gonna die!“ Which just makes me like the kid, not the Servbot wannabes.

1) ‘Bout what?

2) Most of those failures. They can just screw up. And really, those things aren’t complicated. Don’t they print directions on them anyway?

Now, neglecting to teach about things like emergency contraception is a failure in sexual education. The notion that, even if there is a failure in a product you can still avoid childbirth, is about the most important fact you can teach. In an ordinary, healthy relationship, pregnancy should always be a choice.

Of course, we’re just beating around the bush here. The obvious direction this is going in is “This is scare tactics, yeah?“ And yeah, it’s scare tactics. Arm you with just enough information to fear something until you’re older at which point you’ve probably figured it out on your own. Are ponies any better at that? Maybe. But they still neglect to cover emergency contraception.

3) Nope. Everypony poops.

4) Bon-Bon: It was everything I thought it would be! It was like we were one!

Lyra: It was nice to not be alone in a dream. For somepony to watch my back.

5) Since that’s a class 1 felony, no. Also [omitted] ew. Celes.

“Lyra, please talk to me. This isn’t like you.“
Despite the princess’s plea, Lyra’s eyes remained fixed on the floor.
“Are you afraid? I promise, we can protect you. You can stay here!“
When Princess Celestia lifted her hoof to raise Lyra’s head, Lyra jerked away.
“Are they holding something over you? Are you protecting somepony? Please talk to me, Lyra.“
___

“Lyra, please. Silence is not the answer. Aren’t pony’s lives at stake? This can’t get any better if you don’t say something.“
___

“Lyra, I know you’ve been angry with me. But if you can just put that aside…“
___

“Lyra, please say something! Anything!“
___

“Lyra! Lyra!“
___

Lyra could feel the princess’s tears on her shoulder and she clutched at her bedsheet. Though her mouth moved, she couldn’t speak a reply to the nightmares. In the morning, she would find the tears had been her own.

“Lyra, I know you’re being forced into this.” Princess Celestia walked toward Lyra and placed a wing around her, “Tell me who. Tell me how they’re getting to you. Are there others? I promise we will find a way to put a stop to this once and for-.“
Lyra took a step back and pushed the alicorn’s wing away, “Just send me away again. Like you did last time.“
“W-what?“ Princess Celestia, stunned, looked between the guards, searching for an answer, “Lyra, that was over a year ago. Sunset Shimmer… I had apologized for-… I’m sorry, Lyra. Please forgive me. But you must-“
Lyra shook her head, “I have nothing to say…“ She never even looked up.

Sorry Garnet and Amethyst, Vidalia is my new favorite character. I’m sure you both understand.

Also, Onion is freakin’ awesome!

It was last week. I’ve gotten really bad at this.

“Lyra, what have you done?“ There was a hint of anger in the princess’s tone as she spoke, back turned.
“What difference does it make?” Lyra pushed herself up and wiped some dirt off her coat, “All those selfish ponies do is waste it anyway. You know that money could actually mean something to-“
In a flash, Lyra’s gaze was met with bright, glowing eyes and a thunderous shout, “TO WHOM DO YOU SPEAK?!“ Lyra crumpled to the floor in a low bow and shivered. But before she could reply, Princess Celestia turned her back to the filly, “Take her. I haven’t the time or the patience.“
Lyra jumped to her feet as fast as she could, but was already held by two soldiers, “No! Please your highness!” She struggled against their grip, but was slowly dragged away. “I’m sorry! Please! Just let me explain! Please!“

“Lyra…“ Princess Celestia stood at a distance in profile from Lyra. Her eyes were closed and her head was lowered. Her shoulders sagged in disappointment, “There were many witnesses… They… they said you stole food. Why? Have you not been provided with enough to eat?“
Lyra stood up and fought back tears, “There were others your highness! Living on the streets! I was trying to help them! But I only took a little! Nopony would miss it!“
The princess grit her teeth, “We are responsible for our own actions.“ Lyra’s head fell and she too closed her eyes. “If there are ponies going hungry, then we will do what we can. But the law is the law. You must not…“

1) Cannot accurately compose sentences either, evidently. Sorry, I’m trying to cut back on my sass, but it does kinda sound like you’re saying that you are… B…? And I’m pretty sure that is not so.

2) From what I understand, if that bit about making God cry isn’t hyperbole, you probably went to a religious school. Either way. In Equestria it’s all taught very dry and technically. This is thing, this is what thing does. It was really, really boring. Though that may have been just me. I kinda already knew the important parts.

3) Caffeine. Whoops.

4) Fifty. Billion. Stretching ourselves a little thin there, aren’t we? I’m just sayin’, there’s only five-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes in a year.

Wait. I got another one. I’ve heard of speed dating but this is ridiculous!

Okay okay! One more!

“A-gh! Let go of me! Let gooo!“

Lyra flailed against the armored ponies dragging her down the massive hallway, but to no avail. If she had the strength to fight back before, it had long since waned. Two doors, easily ten times Lyra’s size, parted before them and the light inside blinded her. She felt herself finally released onto the carpet beneath her. And as her vision returned, a towering figure came into view.

“Lyra? Are you alright?“ The pearl-white princess of the sun knelt down to level herself with Lyra. “Please tell me what happened. I know that what I heard cannot be true.“
Lyra’s forced herself to her haunches and her eyes darted around the throne room. She struggled against exhaustion to explain herself, “It… it wasn’t me! I saw him steal it! I tried to stop him!“
“You tried?“ Princess Celestia drew back to give the filly space.
Lyra’s eyes widen, “I-I did! I did stop him! I got the pouch back! I was going to return it! But then they started yelling at me! I got scared and I ran! They were yelling at me!“
The alicorn princess wrapped her long arm around Lyra and drew her in close, “Shh… It’s alright, child. If you can tell us what he looked like…“

Shut up.

Just…

shut up…

1) I imagine the first time this was used it probably took a while to compose, what with all the symbols.

2) Twilight doesn’t have any guards. And I’m pretty sure she’s trying to keep this on the down low. I probably shouldn’t even be talking about it. Things just keep happening to change our priorities. That nightmare thing. The Almost War. And Twilight disappeared in Canterlot for almost a week.

3) You don’t sound like a cop. You sound like a robot. Also, the illegal drugs have a name.

4) I’m sure there were those that did. Good gracious, am I this far behind on answering questions? Sorry everypony!

Lyra: Anti-Skub, of course. Skub is dangerous.

Bon-Bon: Dangerous? Skub is too valuable to ignore.

Lyra: What? I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’re Pro-Skub?

Bon-Bon: It’s only logical. Skub leads to increased productivity.

Lyra: But at what cost? Skub is damaging to both our economy and environment!

Bon-Bon: It’s industry. It’s necessity. It’s the only real option. Nothing else comes close.

Lyra: And what about the side effects? It’s going to destroy the very fabric of our society!

Bon-Bon: If it does, then a new society will be built in its place. One that understands the true value of Skub.

Tootsie: I’m confused. What’s Skub?

Lyra: Filth scrapped from the bowels of Tartarus!

Bon-Bon: The future, sweetheart. The future of Ponykind.

Lyra: Don’t feed her such vile lies!

Bon-Bon: She needs to learn the truth now! Skub is everything!

Lyra: Everything wrong with the world!

Tootsie: This is an internet joke, isn’t it?

Bon-Bon: In a couple of years ponies will wonder how they ever lived without Skub!

Tootsie: You’re both weird…

Lyra: There won’t be anypony left in a couple of years if Skub isn’t stopped!

1) I’m kinda trying to get to Hong Kong… Say, have you seen any sailors?

2) Maybe they aren’t your own. Strawberry, you were kinda powerful. I wouldn’t call it a stretch that you might have made some enemies. I hope you really are getting your memories back. Just be careful with what you see.

3) Not unless she starts looking.

4) Technically no to both. This is Bon-Bon’s house.

1) Oh heavens no! That wasn’t even her fault! And I’m way past the point of caring about those fillies. They’d probably be embarrassed about it if I ever ran into them and brought it up.

2) More complicated than anything else, I guess.

3) Sure! I mean, I don’t remember much of it. But I remember that spoon thing from the sound episode!

4) And to you! Although I’m not sure which Independence Day you mean.

5) Lyra: That already short list has become a lot shorter over the last year.

Tootsie: I get to hang out with my friends! And go swimming! And we play tag-!

Bon-Bon: And how is your summer reading going?

Tootsie: A~w…

[Long pause]

Lyra: Why don’t you just say it?

B: Because I don’t have to. I already know the answer. You’re the one still struggling with the question.

Lyra: But I’m not!

B: And I’m not a trained psychologist. Which is something you happen to see on a regular basis. Maybe you should talk about this with her.

Lyra: I don’t want to talk about this at all!

B: Then why did you bring it up? I certainly don’t care. I’m concerned with your life, not your denial.

Lyra: I’m not-!

B: Stop. Instead of refuting every single thing you hear that you disagree with, why don’t you try turning it around into something that might have some real impact? Not “Am I jealous?” But “Why am I jealous?“ What is it about Twilight that makes her worth comparing yourself to? There are a hundred or more mares that have had an easier life than you that are better off to boot. Why Twilight? Has it always been Twilight?

Lyra: I… I don’t know…

B: And I’m not a trained psychologist.

Lyra: I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.

Twilight: I just… never quite put two and two together, I guess.

Lyra: More than that, I can’t believe you didn’t get me! You came back to Ponyville for Pinkie Pie but you didn’t get me?!

Twilight: Well, I couldn’t carry Pinkie Pie and you at once.

Lyra: Alright, fine.

Twilight: I’m really sorry for how I treated you, Lyra.

Lyra: Yeah, well it’s not alright. I was never as smart, or as quick, or as clever, so I couldn’t even keep up with you and Moondancer. Quite clearly, I might as well have not even existed to you.

Twilight: I know! And I’m sorry! If I can just-

Lyra: But you know what really gets to me? All the help you’ve given me. I figured it was because we went way back. But not even knowing who I was? How could anypony have really changed that much? How could a pony that only had friends by association become this selfless… thing? … But I guess that’s why you became the princess. And me…?

Twilight: Lyra… I-

Lyra: I don’t really want to talk right now, Twilight. I just want to think to myself.

1) I… Didn’t realize he played basketball. Or that he was a donkey. I’ve recently heard he’s not very good at Portal 2, though.

2) Oh give it a rest. Iris wasn’t even that interesting of a character. Not that Double was either. Really, the only good thing to come out of X4 was Split Mushroom.

3) Lyra: Yeah… I’m a little new to this I guess…

Tootsie: I’m fine, thanks for asking! No school!

Lyra: She’s doing The No School Dance.

Lyra: Blossomforth! [Heavy Knocking] Blossomforth! [Heavy Knocking] If you don’t open this door for me you’ll open it for Twilight!

Blossomforth: Lyra? What’s going on?

Lyra: Well look who decided to wake up! I bet you had a real long night last night!

Blossomforth: I didn’t invite you inside.

Lyra: Cut the crap! I didn’t tell Twilight yet, but I know what you’ve done!

Blossomforth: You… you were spying on me?

Lyra: You bet your flank I was! How could you?!

Blossomforth: I-I didn’t think it was that big of a deal! It’s just a show!

Lyra: Just a-… What?

Blossomforth: And I thought you liked My Little Human.

Lyra: Don’t play dumb with me! I saw you fly out of Twilight’s Castle! You’ve been going to the human world!

Blossomforth: WHAT!? No! Never! I hated that place! Everything moves too fast and it’s so loud and I can’t fly and last time I was there a filly got hurt and the other two ran off and they were my responsibility and I couldn’t find either of-!

Lyra: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! You seriously haven’t been going to the human world? I saw a pegasus fly out of the castle late last night.

Blossomforth: So I’m suddenly the only pegasus in Ponyville?!

Lyra: You’re the only pegasus that knows about it! Except Rainbow Dash. And Fluttershy. Okay, I might not know everypony that knows about it. Maybe I jumped the hurdle here.

Blossomforth: MAYBE?! I’m about to have a panic attack!

Lyra: Alright I’m sorry! I just didn’t want you to get in trouble if I could talk you out of it! Just- Don’t tell anypony about this! Twilight is trying to catch whoever is responsible before they can do anything rash.

Blossomforth: I don’t even want to remember this! Get out of my house!

[Door Slam] [Pause]

Lyra: Okay. That went well.